Ho Hum...

posted by Evan Jake at 10:57 PM

I'm bored.

Yes, it's hard work being this adorable. (See photo.) And learning to use my hands or raise my head aren't easy tasks either.

But this whole three-hour routine, of napping, eating, spitting up, playing on the floor and going back to sleep is starting to wear thin. Mom tries to mix it up by giving me new toys or dressing me up in different clothes. The other day she put me in my swing. Since I was so bored of everything else, I thought I'd give it a try. I have not previously enjoyed my time in the swing, screaming loudly after only a few moments. But this time I stayed in it long enough to realize the swing plays more than one song! I kind of liked it and am giving a more concerted effort not to cry when I'm there. But I'm not making any promises.

Mom says it will start to get warm soon and we can go outside more. Right now it's winter and we're all getting crib fever. I can't wait until spring when I can ride in the car with the windows down -- although I love car rides with the windows up just as much.

Mom is cooped up in the house with me all day, too. I wonder if she ever gets bored!

~:O

I Hate Tummy Time

posted by Evan Jake at 10:48 PM

Why do you mom and dad do this to me?

Several times a day, mom or dad will pick me up during my happy play time and flip me onto my belly. I really don't like this. Not one bit.

Maybe the hysterical cries are a clue. Or perhaps the frantic flailing and snorting are other indicators of my displeasure. But yet, tummy time continues. Sometimes I get so upset that I spit up right there on the mat and end up rubbing my face all in it. I much prefer my spit up to run backwards down my neck.

So what is the point of tummy time -- or as mom sometimes refers to it, "torture time"? Since the "Back to Sleep" campaign of the mid-nineties, an entire generation of babies like me have only learned to chill when lying face up. Personally, I'm quite content to remain on my back. I've got a nice comfy flat spot worked up on the back of my head and everything. Last I checked, there are no flat spots on my belly or my face.

Everything is designed for me to be on my back. I lie face up in my crib. My little chairs and bouncy seats are all designed to cradle my bum. And then, of course, there's my car seat. The car seat so perfectly snuggles me on my back during car rides -- maybe that's why I love car rides so much.

Instead, there I am, several times per day, face down, arms flapping, lungs wailing and mom and dad just looking on. Mom will share words of encouragement. The only words I want to hear are, "Okay, tummy time is over!" Meanwhile, dad is taking pictures and making fun of me. Gosh, maybe someday I'll just roll myself onto my back. Then I can put an end to "torture time" forever!

~:O

Tongue Twisting

posted by Evan Jake at 7:44 PM

Mom and dad are always up in my grill making goofy faces at me. Usually they'll stick their tongues out, hoping I'll imitate them. I'm perfectly capable of sticking my tongue out whenever I want -- I'm doing it right now -- but I'm not going to do it on command. What am I, a dog? If I do my tricks, will I get a treat like a clean pacifier or a trip to Wegmans?

I've learned that if I don't stick my tongue out right away, mom and dad will keep making these ridiculous faces until I do. It's pretty funny and sad at the same time, really. They're trying so hard to entertain me. (Really, all it takes is a car ride, because I love car rides.)

Last night, while dad had his tongue out, I decided, instead of copying him, it might be more fun just to reach out and grab it. So while dad was wagging his tongue at me, I stretched out my little hand and whacked it. Dad was pretty shocked since I'm just learning how to use these hand thingies. Dad was so surprised, he just froze there with his tongue out. And I kept on whacking it. It was all wet and slimy, but actually I thought it was pretty cool. Dad thought it was really funny, too. Unfortunately for him my hands taste like sour milk. And they smell pretty bad, too, if I haven't had a bath.

So maybe the next time mom or dad stick their tongue out at me, they'll at least wash my hands off first!

~:O

Take It to the Piggy Bank

posted by Evan Jake at 8:44 PM

When I woke up from my nap last night, there was a woman in our living room. Mom took me out of my crib to meet her. She was very nice and said how cute I was over and over. (Well, I am really cute, what do you expect?!)

It turns out this woman is mom and dad's financial advisor. She came to the house so mom and dad wouldn't have to take me to her office, which is too bad because I love car rides. So this financial advisor was there to talk to mom and dad about money. Since mom and dad don't have any money, it was probably a really short conversation. Then again, she wasn't there to talk about how much money mom and dad don't have today, but how much money they won't have 18 years from now. Turns out I'm going to cost a lot of money what with the cost of day care and all. Wait...day care?! What the heck is that?!!!

Anyway, this lady is going to help mom and dad set up all these special accounts for me. One to save for college, another for my piggy bank money and another for investments. I guess setting up the accounts is easy. Having money to put in them seems to be the tricky part.

I think this is probably a great racket. When I get money in my own accounts, it's mine! Mom and dad won't waste it on things for themselves, like shoes and camera equipment. Meanwhile, as I amass my own little fortune, I can continue to siphon money out of their accounts with a little smile and a wink. It's amazing how far the charm of a first born child will go!

If I really play my cards right, maybe I'll get to retire before mom or dad do!

~:O

A Chip off the Old What?

posted by Evan Jake at 4:16 PM

I mentioned that when I went with mom and dad to the pediatrician last week that we had to wait a really long time for the doctor. Well, not only did I have to wait naked in that little room for the doctor, I had to wait in a whole other room first!

When we first got to the doctor's office, the big waiting room was full of people. Mom went and got me checked in while dad sat with me. It took mom forever to get me checked in. Dad and I sat and watched all the people coming and going. Luckily I didn't have to be naked when I waited in this room -- it was packed with people and it was chilly.

It was also really, really noisy. There were lots of kids running around and screaming. The other parents didn't seem to mind. Whenever I start to cry, mom or dad sush me and rock me back and forth. (If I scream a whole lot, mom and dad take me on a car ride, because I love car rides!) However, when these other kids were screaming and yelling, their parents didn't seem to care at all. But my dad did. As it got louder and louder, I could see dad rubbing his forehead and getting really stressed. Me, I wasn't bothered by it at all. In fact, I kind of liked the chaos.

What I also noticed by watching all the people was how you can tell exactly which parent belongs to each kid. Like there was this tall skinny girl with short red hair, and her mom was tall and skinny with short red hair, too! There was a little baby boy with lots of crazy blonde hair being carried by his dad, who also had lots of straggly blonde hair. It was kind of interesting. Then I looked up at dad and realized what this meant. He was still all stressed looking and biting his lip. Oh, Lord, help me.

~:O

Look Into My Eyes

posted by Evan Jake at 1:26 PM

I like looking at myself in the mirror. I love staring at faces, but I especially like looking at my own. I'm so darned cute, can you blame me?

When I'm not ogling myself, I've noticed that mom has blue eyes and dad has brown. Meanwhile, I can't figure out what color my eyes are. Everyone I meet says that my eyes will change color, but they all say something different. So help me out here:

What color will my eyes be?
	Blue
	Brown
	Hazel
	Green
	I'm so cute, who cares?!
Free polls from Pollhost.com

~:O

No More Shots

posted by Evan Jake at 4:31 PM

Along with turning two months old this week, I had my checkup with the doctor. It was not fun.

First, we went back into a little room and mom stripped off all my clothes - except for my diaper, which smelled pretty bad anyway. Some strange lady took me away and put me on this cold scale to get weighed. It turns out that I am gaining weight, and its not just the camera that makes me look chubby. It's the fat, too.

Then we went back into the tiny room and we waited and waited for a long time. The doctor was really late. I was getting cold without my clothes and it was way past my naptime. So like 45 minutes later, the doctor finally came in. She said the traffic was really bad and it took her an extra half hour in the car. I wouldn't be complaining about extra time in the car, I love car rides!

She checked me over and ran through my chronic list of benign conditions with mom and dad. I couldn't really hear her because I was crying so much. When the doctor left, the strange lady came back in and gave me some shots. I was already pretty tired and cranky, so the shots just made me scream louder. Then I got packed up and we went home.

Once we got home, I started feeling really lousy. Mom said I had a fever. I don't know how she knew that, but I kept feeling something cold go up my tushy. She said the fever was probably from the shots. I thought the shots were supposed to prevent me from getting sick. I was feeling just fine before the shots.

To make me feel better, mom gave me some medicine. She said I'd like it because it tastes like grapes. I don't know what grapes taste like. But if she's going to squirt it into my mouth, does it matter what it tastes like? I don't seem to have much say. But by the third or fourth time I got the medicine I started to like it. Even with the medicine, I'd really rather not get any more shots. In fact, I would rather watch more of that ice dancing instead!

~:O

Two Months!

posted by Evan Jake at 8:34 PM

Today's a big day. I'm two months old!! I can't believe it's been two whole months since I got born. It feels like a lifetime.

In addition to my two-month birthday, mom said that today is also Valentine's Day. But mom said that I wouldn't notice Valentine's Day since dad never does anything special. Mom told dad that she didn't have time to go out and get him a gift because she's too busy taking care of me. I wonder what dad's excuse was.

Instead of a romantic dinner out (or even a spontaneous trip to Wegmans), mom and dad stayed home with me and watched men in fancy costumes dance on TV. The men would dance around on ice skates, then cry when they're finished. Meanwhile, some guy would babble away, talking about all the things the dancers were doing wrong -- like it's so easy. The whole thing was pretty terrible to watch. But my hands are still too small to grab the remote. I wonder what dad's excuse was.

Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor again. I get to go in the car and that's where the fun stops. I love car rides, but I hate the doctor. I have to get some shots, too. I wasn't supposed to know about them, but I overheard mom and dad talking. Sometimes they seem to forget that when I'm sitting in their laps I can hear everything they're saying.

Anyway, I'm very nervous about the shots. They make me cry. And apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't like shots. I heard that some man got a shot from the vice president, and it was so bad it was on all the news channels all day long. So that makes me even more nervous. Then again, I'd rather get shots than watch any more of that ice dancing!

~:O

A Snow Angel

posted by Evan Jake at 9:49 AM

Mom and dad have been watching all of this news about a big storm. Apparently there is a lot of snow outside. And when snow comes people get to take off work. But mom doesn't work right now. And dad doesn't show up for work a lot of the time anyway. So I don't really see how this impacts me.

We needed some groceries yesterday, but dad refused to go to the store. He said everyone would be there buying milk and toilet paper. Luckily I have my own private milk supply. And I use diapers, not toilet paper. So I think I'm covered. But I bet if dad went to Wegmans, he woulnd't have to wait in any lines at all!

I guess the roads are pretty bad right now and that means no car rides for me today. Too bad, because I love car rides. Although, looking out the window, dad and I saw this really big truck with a shovel on the front going up and down our street. Dad said the truck should've been here twelve hours ago and that's why he pays his taxes. On dad's salary, his taxes can't be very much, which is maybe why it took them so long to get here. Besides, If dad wanted to go out so bad, I don't know why he didn't just go outside and shovel the street himself!

~:O

Parental Controls

posted by Evan Jake at 7:12 PM

The Internet should be guarded with controls to prevent access by new parents.

A couple days ago, mom and dad noticed a small red dot on the side of my nose. Naturally, they were appalled to see such a disdainful blemish on their beautiful little boy. Mom and dad looked at it closely, examining it for a really long time. After much discussion and scrutiny, dad wondered if perhaps a magnifying glass would help provide a clearer diagnosis.

Dad rummaged through drawers and across table tops. With all of my blankets, pacifiers, clothes, bottles, spit-up rags, toys and baby instruction manuals scattered everywhere it's gotten pretty hard to find anything in our house. It's kind of like an archeological dig. Beneath the layers of baby paraphernalia are the ruins of their life before I came along. Dad never did find what he was looking for.

So without a magnifying glass, dad went to the Internet in search of meaning, prognosis and treatments for my little red dot. The obvious conclusion was that I had a rapidly growing cavernous hemangioma. This little red dot, it turns out is actually a benign tumor of the capillaries that would grow quickly in size during the next year, distorting my vision (not to mention looking hideous in the middle of my face) and leaving permanent scarring. I'm so darned cute, the possibility was pretty disturbing.

Mom and dad panicked as they sorted through their options. Would a surgeon cut it off for me? Would they use a laser or liquid nitrogen? Should they wait until I'm older before I have surgery? Would they have to put a paper bag over my head until then? Would dad airbrush all of my photos on the computer and forbid relatives from actually seeing me in person?

While considering all of the plans, mom decided I needed a bath. Dad went back to the computer to find a plastic surgeon covered on his insurance plan. But during my bath with mom, a miracle happened!

Mom yelled to dad in the other room. "Hey, does the Internet say that hemangiomas wash off with soap and water?" Dad's answer was: no. Duh.

So it seems my little red dot was nothing more than that. A little...red...dot. At least they didn't rush immediately to the doctor this time. Which is good. It's an improvement, I guess. But I sure wouldn't have minded the car ride -- I love car rides!

~:O

Groovy, Baby

posted by Evan Jake at 9:00 PM

As the two-month mark approaches, I feel a groove coming on. I'm finally getting a little more sleep at night and taking shorter naps during the day. All those sleepless nights have really been making me cranky. But I think it will still be a while before I can get a really full night's sleep.

Just the other day, I figured out that when it gets dark outside and there's nothing on TV but infomercials for vacuum cleaners and knives, I"m better off just going to sleep. When the sun is out and mom is awake, it's much more fun to be up. Plus, she responds to my crying faster during the day.

I'm also starting to look forward to certain things every day. I'm getting lots of baths and starting to like my swing. Mom and dad have this fancy looking swing in the middle of the living room. They've been trying to cram me into that thing since the day I got home from the hospital. The weird plastic seat, whirring motor and uneasy swaying totally freaked me out at first. As soon as they would put me in it, I'd start to scream. But now I'm totally rockin' out in that thing. I'll hang out there for at least five minutes before I start to scream.

Then of course, there are the more frequent car rides. I love car rides. Especially when they are to places other than the doctor's office. As I'm getting older, I've gotten to go on trips to friend's houses, big stores, a rockin' Super Bowl party and even a visit to dad's office. I really liked seeing dad at work -- although I didn't see much work getting done. He had a lot of paper on his desk (I mean a lot!) but he just let it sit there while talking to people on the phone non-stop. I can't believe they pay him to talk on the phone. I guess that's why they don't pay him very much. Meanwhile, all his coworkers came by and said how I was even cuter than my pictures. See, the camera really does add five ounces!

Even though I feel like I'm getting into a more even pattern, I can't let mom and dad off the hook. I need to mix it up when I see them letting their guard down. If I sleep for five hours straight one night, I need to be sure I only sleep for two hours the next. If I take a little extra time between a few of my meals, I'll need to start acting like I'm starving every half hour. I think this keeps things more interesting for both me and the folks.

The one thing I won't change is my pooping cycle. I'm pooping less and less every day, which I don't really mind. No one likes to sit in their own poo. But since I'm not pooping as much as I used to, I've got to wonder -- where is it all going?

~:O

I'm a Believer

posted by Evan Jake at 11:45 PM

I haven't been to many grocery stores. After all, I'm only seven weeks old. But today I went to the greatest grocery store I have ever seen. Now I'm a convert for life.

The store was called Wegmans.

It was glorious. When we went inside, I was totally amazed -- although I probably appeared more groggy than excited after the car ride (I love car rides). First mom and dad ate lunch at this wonderful little cafe. Then they put me atop one of their roomy shopping carts and made for the aisles. The store was very crowded. You'd think they were handing out free diapers or something.

The shelves were full of a variety of high-quality goods at competitive prices. There was a whole large section just for cheese. There were wheels of cheese that were bigger than me! There was also a really large area called "BABY." As the name might indicate, this was where all the baby products were. Mom picked up a box of Wegmans diapers to see what they're like. They have Snoopy on the waistband. But since I can't really bend over to see my waist, I think the pictures are more for dad to tell the front from the back of the diaper.

Mom and dad didn't really put that much stuff into the cart. I guess they didn't need that much. It seemed like a wasted trip, but they looked just so happy to walk up and down the aisles. Fine by me. I like riding on the shopping cart.

What was most incredible was that even though the store was really crowded, we didn't have to wait in line to check out. Dad seemed most pleased by this, as he gets pretty impatient sometimes. Mom and dad rolled me up to the fun-looking conveyor belt thing and put all the groceries on. My diapers got to go for a fun ride down the belt, but I had to stay in the cart.

When they were paying for everything, mom used this cool card to get a special discount on everything. She said it was her Wegmans card. She told me I'd have to wait until I'm older to get one myself.

I can't wait until mom and dad make another needless trip to Wegmans. I'll have to start messing myself more often so we run out of diapers sooner!

~:O

Welcome Home, Dad

posted by Evan Jake at 11:40 PM

Sorry I've been slow updating my blog. Dad went out of town this week and that kept me and mom pretty busy. I can't believe the nerve of that guy leaving a mother and six-week old baby home alone! I bet he didn't sleep at all in that big hotel room all by himself.

I sure didn't sleep much while he was gone. I kept getting woken up -- by the phone! Dad must have called like every two minutes. I'm surprised mom didn't take the phone off the hook!

Dad traveled really far in a plane. I wonder what plane rides are like. If they're anything like car rides -- I love car rides -- I can't wait to try it myself.

When dad came home he gave me and mom a big hug. He asked mom how I did while he was gone. She lied and said I cried a lot, once for seven hours straight (really, it was only six hours). He had a birthday present for mom. He didn't bring me anything. But I gave him the present I made him anyway. He missed me so much, I think he actually appreciated it. He was all eager to help change my diaper and put me to sleep. Mom says it won't last. Luckily we did just fine on our own!

~:O