I Was Abandoned as a Baby!

posted by Evan Jake at 5:21 PM

Remember how I said a few days ago that mom and dad are totally going nuts cooped up in this house with me 24/7? And that they really needed to get out? Well, they did it! That's right, they just up and left!

So check this out. A couple of nights ago, these two old people showed up. They came into my room (I was pretending to be asleep) and they were both making the same funny voices I hear everyone else make -- except they were saying something about being my grandma and grandpa. Then a few minutes later, mom and dad left the room, then left the house!

I heard mom and dad talking outside my window. Then they got in the car (without me, which is too bad because I really like car rides) and drove off. But not like when I ride with them. No, this time I heard a squealing sound and the sound of the car's engine got quiet really fast. I wondered where they would be going without me. Maybe to buy me presents or more diapers.

After mom and dad left, I could hear those two old people talking in the living room. They were talking about how easy parenting is now with all the fancy technology and gadgets. And they were saying what a good job they did with their own kids and how great they turned out -- even though "back in the day" parenting was so much harder because diapers were burlap with pins, strollers were made from bamboo and breast pumps were powered by the mother's own mouth suction.

They went on and on. They talked about how adorable I am and how babysitting was fun because in a couple hours they'll get to hop in their car and drive away fast, too, and won't have to listen to me cry all night.

Then I think I heard them talking about mom and dad. And it didn't sound very nice. Sure, it's easy to criticize my parents because, let's face it, they don't know what they're doing. And grandma and grandpa probably thought no one was listening. Oh, they are so busted. Lucky for them, I can't talk yet to tell mom and dad what was being said about them.

At this point, I thought I would give grandma and grandpa a run for their money and see how good they really are. I started to cry and, wouldn't you know it, grandma came right in. She picked me up, sang to me and rocked me back and forth. She was pretty good, even though she kept staring and staring at me. Hey, grandma, take a picture, it will last longer! Better yet, why don't you look at some of the 5,000 pictures dad has already taken of me!! So I pretended to fall back to sleep so she would just put me down already.

Not too long after that I heard mom and dad come home. They both came inside and came to my room to check on me. Mom smelled like grilled steak and mushrooms. Dad just had that funny smell on his breath again!

I pretended to stay asleep for a little while longer, looking all peaceful and happy. I wanted mom and dad to think that grandma and grandpa did a great job taking care of me. Because, afterall, nothing else would make mom and dad more jealous!

~:O

Who's Cal Ripken, Jr.?

posted by Evan Jake at 4:56 PM

Today, I got to go on a car ride with mom and dad to the doctor. I don't really like the doctor, but I love car rides, so it almost makes up for it.

Walking into the medical office building, we saw this tall bald guy in a really nice coat. Dad said, "Look, it's Cal Ripken, Jr!" Mom didn't believe him at first. But then she noticed how much taller and muscular he was than dad and said, "Oh, yeah. Look how much taller and muscular he is than dad. I guess that really is Cal Ripken, Jr."

So apparently this guy is some famous baseball player. I don't know why they call him "junior." He looked pretty big to me. But he didn't have much hair. I'm only two weeks old and I have more hair than him!

I was hoping dad would stop him and introduce me. I'm so cute, Cal would surely have loved to meet me. But dad was too chicken. Dad said he's met him a couple times before and didn't want to bother him because he looked like he was in a rush. He was probably rushing away from dad. Dad said it wasn't a surprise to see him in this area since he lives just around the corner from there. I'm sure my dad knows that because Cal has had him over to his house many times for milk and cookies.

After Cal rushed ahead of us, dad started going on and on about the Orioles and how bad they are. And how Cal broke a record for consecutive games played by some guy named Gehrig. And how it's a silly record, like getting an award for perfect attendance in school. Whatever, dad. I think you were just too chicken to say hello to him.

I'm sure some day, when I'm old enough, dad will lie to me and tell me about how I met Cal Ripken, Jr. when I was two weeks old and how Cal gave me a kiss on the cheek, said how cute I was and then taught me about the infield fly rule. Then dad will say it's a shame I was too young to remebmer any of this.

But the real truth is, the only thing I won't remember about today is getting stripped down naked on a paper sheet by a stranger with cold hands and getting stuck in my foot by a really sharp needle. Thanks, dad.

~:O

Amateurs, I Tell Ya!

posted by Evan Jake at 2:52 PM

Seriously, don't they make parents take some kind of test before they're allowed to have babies? These two knuckleheads I'm stuck with here are so friggin' clueless, I'm expecting child services to arrive at any moment. The other night it took the both of them nearly four hours to put me to bed. Two adults against one little baby and guess who won! Amateurs. Especially dad.

Dad has no clue how to put on a diaper. It takes him forever. Fumbling and bumbling. I'm going to learn all the cursewords there are just during my diaper changes. Today, it took him so long to change me, I had time to pee on him twice! A diaper change from dad would be more annoying if only it wasn't so darned funny to see him that stressed. C'mon dude, the tabs are self-adhering and the picture of Elmo goes on the front, facing right side up. Is it really that difficult? Oddly enough, when mom is around he seems to really bungle it and curse even more. Then mom comes over, let's him off the hook and does it for him. I like dad's style and I think I'm going to learn a lot from him someday.

Meanwhile, last night I heard what sounds like me when I cry. Only it wasn't coming from me. The crying sound was coming from mom. And dad, too! Both were in the kitchen sobbing away! I wondered what was wrong. Was it something I did? I felt left out, so I started crying, too. I let out a loud yelp and in came dad right away. He leaned over my crib to pick me up but now he had a very funny smell on his breath -- the fumes were so strong they made my throat burn. When he picked me up, he was a little wobbly, but it made for a fun ride. Careful, don't drop me!

I hope mom and dad keep it together. It pains me to see them like this. They've been cooped up in this house for two weeks now without any sleep and they're driving each other (and me) crazy! Help!!

~:O

Life So Far...

posted by Evan Jake at 2:34 PM

Sorry, it's taken me a while to catch up on my blog. The last two weeks have been really crazy with the holidays, Nick and Jessica breaking up, the Tsunami Relief Concert, the last Monday Night Football game on ABC -- oh, and the whole being born thing.

So now I'm totally playing catch up. But I seem to be pretty well on track now as far as things like eating, pooping, peeing and crying.

I like pooping. It makes quite a sound and everyone in the room seems to cheer when I do it. They say "Wow!" or "Whoa, who made a poopie?" (Like there's anyone else in the room who just crapped their pants.) Sometimes, what's fun is I'll poop, but hold some of it back -- you know, pinch it off just a little early at the end. Then I'll wait to get a clean diaper. As soon as mom or dad are finished dressing me all the way back up, I'll let the rest rip. The look on their faces is just priceless. I wish I had camera to snap in their faces! (Note to dad: Quit it with the g.d. flash in my eyes every time I open them. And then you wonder why I never want to open my eyes!)

OK, so I know what you're thinking, why not wait to poop on mom and dad while the diaper is off? That would be amazing, right? Actually, what's even cooler is to pee on them. This is so much more effective and visually spectacular given the trajectory I'm proudly able to achieve. Last week I got the Mohel's tie (serves him right) and today I got mom's pants. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to hit the wall. Maybe someday I can get myself coordinated enough to both pee and poo at the same time while the diaper is off. That would be awesome. Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted.

I know, it sounds like my life is nothing but messing myself and my caretakers. Far from it. I also love to sleep. And sleeping during the day is great. That way I won't be forced to watch all that god-awful daytime programming I was subjected to during those final weeks in utero. (Thanks, mom, for giving me something to actually look forward to outside the womb. I mean, surely there's more to life than watching Dr. Phil counsel hyperactive bi-sexuals with halitosis, right?) Plus, during the day I can sleep right through all the visitors that come over. This is great because I get passed around to meet everyone, but won't be expected to remember anyone's name. I may wake up to poo or spit-up on someone's dry-clean-only gabardine slacks, but I'll pretend to stay asleep. No one can be angry at a peaceful sleeping baby. Plus, when I sleep all day, then I'm able stay up all night and watch every repeat of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report with a weary mom and dad until 4:30 am. Talk about hilarious!

Oh, I also really like the vacuum cleaner. I'm too small to push it myself -- much to dad's dismay -- but I absolutely love the sound of it. I don't know what it is, but something about the whoosh of the vacuum cleaner just makes me really...really...sleepy. I might even be crying my head off, but the sound of that whirring motor just knocks me right out. I'm only two weeks old, but it does seem strange to me that dad suddenly feels compelled to vacuum the living room at 3:00 am after I've been crying for an hour. Mom says he never touched the vacuum before I was born.

When the vacuum cleaner isn't on, crying can be fun, too. Nothing gets mom and dad's attention faster than a good, high-pitched cry. The faster the wobble in my voice, the faster they seem to come running. It's so effective, they will drop everything and come running. "Gotta, run, baby's crying," I'll hear dad say on the phone. In fact, I think dad's on the phone right now. He's been on hold with the cable company for the last half-hour and I think he just got through to someone. Now would be an amazing time to interrupt. I'll show him who's in charge.

OK, gotta run and cry, dad's on the phone!

~:O

Waaaaaah!

posted by Evan Jake at 4:13 PM

What just happened here?

~:O