Happy, Tooth, Ows, and Seven!

posted by Evan Jake at 7:47 PM

Last year, at this same time, I made some resolutions for 2006. It turned out to be a pretty good year for me. (See before and after photo at right.¹) I went from barely being able to move, to rolling over, to walking all over the place. A year ago, the only way I could communicate was by crying. I still cry a lot, but now I can throw in a few words as well if I'm trying to be extra manipulative. Instead of sleeping just 3 to 4 hours at a time, I'm logging a good 11 or 12 hours straight through the night. I graduated from mom's milk to formula, to real table food. And with that changing diet, I nearly tripled my body weight!

So even though I just turned one, I'm now entering my third tax year. (Dad's accountant loves that joke.) I'm betting 2007 will be a big year for me. Here are some of my goals:

• Baby babble is cute, but being able to string a full sentence together would be pretty cool.
  
• I'd also like to learn to use some of that sign language. I've been watching the video for a few months now, but I just haven't gotten my hands to do the talking yet.
  
• Gain about six pounds and grow about three inches -- while working out and watching my diet of course.
  
• I've got the hang of this walking thing now, and I'd like to pick up the pace. Maybe running would be fun.
  
• Get my noggin a little rounder (with or without a helmet).
  
• Convince mom and dad to buy me a bigger house with stairs.
  
• Not meet Cal Ripken, Jr. again.
  
• It might not be possible to get any cuter, but I'll give it the Evan Jake try.
  
• Go on David Letterman as a baby genius. (My special skill will be my ability to spell all the states of the former Soviet Union and their capitals.)
  
• Sell lots and lots of copies of my book, diaperlogue: the first year, now available in paperback. Hey, a baby's gotta eat.
  

Happy 2007!

~:O

Check-Up from the Neck-Up

posted by Evan Jake at 7:05 PM

I had an appointment recently with a couple of cranial specialists. I'm not sure what that means, but they were nice and had lots of toys for me to play with. They were checking out the flat spot I have on the back of my head. Apparently, with all us babies sleeping on our backs these days, it's been very common for us to work up a bit of a pancake back there.

After a thorough evaluation of my walking and motor skills, they said I didn't show any ill effects from my flatness. In fact, I'm already walking at a 15-month level. (I'm also at a 4th-grade cuteness level.) That's me in the picture. My face is cute as ever, even if my head isn't perfectly round in the back.

In checking out my walking skills, one of the questions they asked mom and dad is whether or not I can climb stairs. Well, since we don't have any stairs in our house, they weren't able to answer that question. Shame on them.

According to these doctors there are a few harmless ways to round out my little head. It will keep getting somewhat rounder as I get older and my hair will grow longer (unless you keep getting me those haircuts!) and it will be less noticeable. I can get some head massages (I like the sound of that, even though it sounds a little "hocus pocus" to me). Or I can wear a funky helmet for a few months (not an attractive option, but since I tend to bonk my head a lot, maybe not that bad of a thing).

If you ask me, if there's anyone that needs to get their heads checked out, it's mom and dad -- if you know what I mean.

Then today, I went to the regular doctor for my one-year check-up. I saw a new doctor we'd never seen before. He was very nice and very thorough. He also was very impressed with my talking and walking skills. He also said I'm months ahead of where I should be. It was obvious to him how smart and developed I am for such a little guy. Well, duh.

He looked at my squishy head and said I would do well with a little helmet for a few months. I'm not planning on playing any contact sports or working on a construction site during that time, so I don't know what good this will do. I guess he said it would help to guide my head into growing into a more round shape. It does sound a bit barbaric, but apparently it won't do any harm and I won't notice it's there. But everyone else will notice, that's for sure. Mom and dad will look like neurotic parents that got their "special" baby fitted for a protective helmet. Well, one thing is for sure: I am special.

Anyway, after the doctor left, two nurses came in and gave me a whole bunch of shots. There were syringes coming at me from every direction. If only I had a body helmet to protect me from needles! I got two shots in each leg. And not only did they give me shots, they also took a shot. They all held me down (including dad) and took some of my blood away. The doctor said that the one-year blood draw is routine, but I think they were taking it to send off to a special lab that clones cuteness.

Well, I know that mom and dad are really agonizing over the whole helmet thing. I can't tell them what to do about my head because ... well, I can't talk that well yet. Plus, I can't even see the back of my head, so it's hard for me to tell what's going on back there. So, would I rather wear a helmet now, during the cold winter months when neither I nor my play friends will know the difference? Or should they take the chance that my little head will round out on it's own by the time I'm 30, losing my hair and trying to get a date?

Stay tuned. I'll let you know what they decide on my behalf. Hey, if I have to be a helmet baby, at least it will be something to blog about, that's for sure. And no matter what they decide, I'll make them feel guilty for it later.

~:O

I'm Published!

posted by Evan Jake at 6:42 PM

Just in time for next Christmas...

NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

diaperlogue: the first year

Why read it for free online, when you can own your very own commemorative copy of Evan Jake's diaperlogue for only $13.95?

To order your copy now, visit the Diaperlogue Store! Don't forget to check out all the other "Unremarkable Merchandise of a Suburban Baby."

~:O

A Cut Above

posted by Evan Jake at 7:47 PM

Just over a year ago, I was born with beautiful dark, curly locks. My hair was especially long in the back, even at birth. Mom and Dee-Dah used to refer to it as a "baby mullet," whatever that means.

Within a couple months, my hair started falling out in chunks. Soon thereafter, I was nearly bald. Left to start all over again, I spent months growing all new hair. This new hair was lighter in color. (I like to think of it as "autumn chestnut.") And it wasn't nearly as curly. Again, the hair grew quickly down the back of my neck into a new "baby mullet."

Today, mom and Dee-Dah thought it was time to get me my first trim. So they took me to a baby salon to get a little off the top -- actually the back. I guess Dee-Dah was too cheap to spring for the baby pampering package that included a hot stone massage, manicure, pedicure and highlights. Instead he opted for the standard "kids cut." How boring.

That's me in the first picture wearing an extra large bib. Mom is holding me, because I couldn't sit still in the seat by myself. Well, what do you expect? Some strange lady was touching my head and coming at me with scissors! It was a little freaky.

The whole thing only took a few minutes. Hey, I don't have that much hair. After several snips and a buzzer thingy that tickled my neck, I was all cleaned up. That's my head in the second photo, sans "baby mullet." Notice my ears stick out even further now. I get that from Dee-Dah.

The lady that cut my hair was very nice. She put in a video for me to watch, not that I was interested in watching TV with all the metal blades flying around. She kept saying how cute I was over and over. I hope Dee-Dah left her a nice tip -- especially since he stole something from the floor of the salon that didn't belong to him.

Yeah, Dee-Dah grabbed a little sampling of my hair and saved it. I thought it was a little creepy. Hey, Dee-Dah, I have some nail clippings and a waxy Q-Tip you can keep. Are you going to save those, too?

~:O

So Now What?

posted by Evan Jake at 5:28 PM

Okay. The big day came and went. I survived a year with these neurotic, under-prepared parents of mine. They don't seem too much worse for the wear and only slightly more clued-in than the day I came home from the hospital. Since I first arrived in this house a year ago yesterday, life's been pretty good I guess. Social services never got called. There were no arguments made in front of a custody judge. And I made as many trips to the emergency room as dad did (one each). I guess that's a pretty good record.

Now my birthday is over. The presents are all opened. The cake is all eaten. The guests all went home. And I'm left feeling just a little bit empty inside. (And a little gassy, too). Heck, things have gotten so ordinary around here, I was thrilled just to get out of the house and ride in the shopping cart at Target today.

Meanwhile, Hanukkah has begun. Every night mom and Dee-Dah light the candles on the menorah. Only I'm not allowed to blow out these candles -- not that I was allowed to blow out the candles on my birthday cake either. That's me in the picture watching the candles get lit. Notice there are no presents in this picture.

I have a board book called My First Hanukkah Board Book. It was given to me by some nice friends of mine. According to this book, I'm supposed to get presents every night of Hanukkah. But so far, I haven't gotten a single gift for Hanukkah. I know I just got a bunch of gifts last week for my birthday. But that was my birthday. This is Hanukkah. What a rip off.

Now that I'm a year old, I just hope mom and Dee-Dah don't start half-tushying it from here on out. It's not like they've been giving 100 percent so far anyway. I guess I'll just have to find a way to hold my head up high, practice walking and keep on keepin' on. I'll do my best to keep you posted. Thanks for staying tuned.

~:O

One Year After

posted by Evan Jake at 4:13 PM

What just happened here?

To find out, visit Evan Jake's First Birthday Special Edition blog.

http://evanjakesfirstbirthdayspecialedition.blogspot.com



To be continued...

Happy (Fake) Birthday!

posted by Evan Jake at 6:53 PM

Today was the big bash at our house: Evan Jake's First Annual Birthday Extravaganza Spectacular!

A whole bunch of my family and friends descended on our crib to celebrate my impending first birthday. They came bearing food and gifts. (Emphasis on the gifts, of course, since I wasn't allowed to eat most of the food.)

I assume the party was today (rather than on Thursday, which is my actual birthday) because this was when everyone could come for the celebration. Ordinarily, I would fully expect people to take a day off from work to celebrate this most momentous occasion. But I guess it was more polite to accommodate everyone's schedule and have it on Sunday instead.

There were a lot of people in our house. It was a bit overwhelming. But I was the center of attention the whole time and I love being the center of attention. I was able to show off all my mad new walking skills. Needless to say, everyone was duly impressed.

After we all had a chance to catch up, it was time for some cake. I was strapped into my booster chair and fitted with a special "It's My 1st Birthday" plastic bib. The bib served two purposes. 1) It kept my shirt clean. And 2) it reminded everyone who the birthday boy was. (Me.)

They lit the candles and started to sing me a song. It was a bit silly watching all those grown-ups sing to a baby, but everyone seemed to be enjoying it. So I played along. When they finished singing, I got ready to make my wish and blow out the candles. But before I had a chance, mom blew out my candles for me! Now my wish will never come true. (In case you're wondering, I was wishing for a car ride. I love car rides.)

With the candles extinguished, I was invited to dig right into the cake. I guess they didn't trust me with the pie-cutter or a knife. I don't blame them. My fine motor skills are still a bit lacking. Plus, trying to cut a round cake into 15 even pieces takes some high level math. So, rather than serving up slices of cake to everyone, I just plunged right in with hands!

That's me in the picture eating my cake. I wish someone had told me I had icing on my nose. With all those pictures being taken and the video cameras rolling, it's quite embarrassing.

After a few handfuls of icing, a sudden rush of energy jolted through my body. I started bouncing, wiggling and dancing in my chair. The more I laughed and jumped, the more everyone in the room cheered me on. Wow, sugar is awesome. I guess this is why mom doesn't let me have it very often.

Eventually I made my way through the icing and into the cake. It was carrot and apple cake. I love carrots. Hence the orange nose beneath the blue frosting. Carrots even taste good in cake form.

After cake, it was time for presents. I got lots of great gifts. Toys, clothes, books and even some cash! I love presents. I think dad enjoyed some of the presents, too. Especially the toy that pops corn when you walk. Maybe I'll let him borrow it sometime.

Thanks to everyone who came. And thank you for all the awesome presents. This whole birthday thing is pretty amazing. Maybe I should have another one. I just hope I don't have to wait another year.

~:O

Seven Days and Counting!

posted by Evan Jake at 6:37 PM

Just one week to go until the big day! I think it's too long to wait. Tomorrow was supposed to be my birthday. But I decided to hold out a little longer before getting born. If only I had known. I wouldn't be having to wait a whole extra week to celebrate the big UNO.

Ever since that first car ride home (I love car rides) I've been waiting for the big day. And now it's almost here.

That's me in the picture eating a messy dinner. (C'mon, don't you ever get food in your hair?) I'm practicing for my birthday when hopefully I'll get to eat some cake. No more of these peas and carrots. Bring on the good stuff!

~:O

Ten Days to Go

posted by Evan Jake at 7:04 PM

In just ten short days, I will reach the biggest milestone of my life (so far.)

That first birthday of mine is quickly approaching. I've been trying to make the most of the zeros while they last. But today I took a big step. (No, not that kind of step. But that's me in the picture taking walking steps.)

Today's big step was moving up to the big boy room at daycare. For the first four months, I've been in the little baby room. But I'm not a little baby anymore. I'm a big boy now.

I'm glad to be moving up. The big boy room has cooler toys and fun kids to play with. Plus, I hear that the second Tuesday of every month is driver's ed! I love car rides and can't wait to learn to drive.

I will miss the baby room. I was king of the baby room. I was able to cruise and walk around, shoving those little infants out of my way. All they do is sit there on their bottoms and drool. It was easy to take toys away whenever I wanted.

In the big boy room, I think I've met my match. Those kids move fast. And they walk everywhere! It looks like I've got some work to do. If I shove these kids around, they might shove back! They just better keep their hands off my stacking cups.

~:O