Amateurs, I Tell Ya!

posted by Evan Jake at 2:52 PM

Seriously, don't they make parents take some kind of test before they're allowed to have babies? These two knuckleheads I'm stuck with here are so friggin' clueless, I'm expecting child services to arrive at any moment. The other night it took the both of them nearly four hours to put me to bed. Two adults against one little baby and guess who won! Amateurs. Especially dad.

Dad has no clue how to put on a diaper. It takes him forever. Fumbling and bumbling. I'm going to learn all the cursewords there are just during my diaper changes. Today, it took him so long to change me, I had time to pee on him twice! A diaper change from dad would be more annoying if only it wasn't so darned funny to see him that stressed. C'mon dude, the tabs are self-adhering and the picture of Elmo goes on the front, facing right side up. Is it really that difficult? Oddly enough, when mom is around he seems to really bungle it and curse even more. Then mom comes over, let's him off the hook and does it for him. I like dad's style and I think I'm going to learn a lot from him someday.

Meanwhile, last night I heard what sounds like me when I cry. Only it wasn't coming from me. The crying sound was coming from mom. And dad, too! Both were in the kitchen sobbing away! I wondered what was wrong. Was it something I did? I felt left out, so I started crying, too. I let out a loud yelp and in came dad right away. He leaned over my crib to pick me up but now he had a very funny smell on his breath -- the fumes were so strong they made my throat burn. When he picked me up, he was a little wobbly, but it made for a fun ride. Careful, don't drop me!

I hope mom and dad keep it together. It pains me to see them like this. They've been cooped up in this house for two weeks now without any sleep and they're driving each other (and me) crazy! Help!!

~:O