It's Hard Being So Cute
posted by Evan Jake at 7:49 PM
I can rightfully claim myself the cutest baby in the world. Literally.
People from all around the globe -- from Los Angeles to the Florida Pan Handle and from Singapore to Brazil -- visit this humble blog and comment on how completely and unabashedly adorable I am. My bright eyes flash intelligence and my wispy dark hair sighs debonair. And until a few days ago, my skin glowed, my cheeks blushed and my dimples reduced even the most jaded skeptics to blubbering fools.
Then came the acne.
At just a few weeks of age, my face has suddenly erupted with dozens of bright red spots dotting my previously supple complexion. Dad held me up in front of a mirror the other day and I gasped in horror looking at myself. I started to cry. Well, it was already one of my many daily scheduled "fussy times," so tears were inevitable. Plus, I like to cry whenever dad picks me up. I think it's giving him a complex.
Anyway, mom and dad read in one of their baby instruction manuals that infant acne is normal and affects about fifty percent of all babies in their first month. Great. There I go being average again. Maybe my acne will get so bad it can be a case study for a medical journal or something. Then I wouldn't be so average.
But wait, it gets worse! A couple days later, my head grew this scaly, flaky skin all over. Mom and dad looked in their books again and read that this weird affliction, called cradle cap, is very common. So now I've gone from being the cutest baby in the world to being common. They also read that cradle cap doesn't itch and doesn't bother babies. How do they know? Did they ask me? Well, let me tell you, if I had enough control over my arms -- or any fine motor skills for that matter -- I'd be scratching like a fiend. If you had scales all over your scalp, you'd scratch them, too, wouldn't you? At the very least, you'd be picking at it all day.
Apparently, one mildly effective treatment for cradle cap is more frequent bathing. That stinks because because I really don't like baths. Too bad you can't treat cradle cap with more frequent car rides. Because I love car rides.
Instead, here I am, the world's cutest baby, with bright red acne and a moster case of dandruff. We used to have lots and lots of visitors coming over to hold me and say how beautiful I am. Suddenly, mom and dad stopped inviting people over. And remember all those thousands of photographs dad had been popping in my face? They suddenly stopped, too. Now when I open my eyes, I'm discovering that the world is not covered in big purple spots.
Meanwhile, mom is dressing me in hooded sweatshirts and dark colors to deemphasize my face. And all the lights in the house are being kept unusually dim. Needless to say, this is really putting a dent in my self-image.
According to the books, the pimples should clear up soon (they're already fading) and so will the cradle cap (oh, how I wish I could scratch my head). Then I will surely return to my incredibly adorable self and restore my claim as the cutest baby on earth!
~:O
I can rightfully claim myself the cutest baby in the world. Literally.People from all around the globe -- from Los Angeles to the Florida Pan Handle and from Singapore to Brazil -- visit this humble blog and comment on how completely and unabashedly adorable I am. My bright eyes flash intelligence and my wispy dark hair sighs debonair. And until a few days ago, my skin glowed, my cheeks blushed and my dimples reduced even the most jaded skeptics to blubbering fools.
Then came the acne.
At just a few weeks of age, my face has suddenly erupted with dozens of bright red spots dotting my previously supple complexion. Dad held me up in front of a mirror the other day and I gasped in horror looking at myself. I started to cry. Well, it was already one of my many daily scheduled "fussy times," so tears were inevitable. Plus, I like to cry whenever dad picks me up. I think it's giving him a complex.
Anyway, mom and dad read in one of their baby instruction manuals that infant acne is normal and affects about fifty percent of all babies in their first month. Great. There I go being average again. Maybe my acne will get so bad it can be a case study for a medical journal or something. Then I wouldn't be so average.
But wait, it gets worse! A couple days later, my head grew this scaly, flaky skin all over. Mom and dad looked in their books again and read that this weird affliction, called cradle cap, is very common. So now I've gone from being the cutest baby in the world to being common. They also read that cradle cap doesn't itch and doesn't bother babies. How do they know? Did they ask me? Well, let me tell you, if I had enough control over my arms -- or any fine motor skills for that matter -- I'd be scratching like a fiend. If you had scales all over your scalp, you'd scratch them, too, wouldn't you? At the very least, you'd be picking at it all day.
Apparently, one mildly effective treatment for cradle cap is more frequent bathing. That stinks because because I really don't like baths. Too bad you can't treat cradle cap with more frequent car rides. Because I love car rides.
Instead, here I am, the world's cutest baby, with bright red acne and a moster case of dandruff. We used to have lots and lots of visitors coming over to hold me and say how beautiful I am. Suddenly, mom and dad stopped inviting people over. And remember all those thousands of photographs dad had been popping in my face? They suddenly stopped, too. Now when I open my eyes, I'm discovering that the world is not covered in big purple spots.
Meanwhile, mom is dressing me in hooded sweatshirts and dark colors to deemphasize my face. And all the lights in the house are being kept unusually dim. Needless to say, this is really putting a dent in my self-image.
According to the books, the pimples should clear up soon (they're already fading) and so will the cradle cap (oh, how I wish I could scratch my head). Then I will surely return to my incredibly adorable self and restore my claim as the cutest baby on earth!
~:O
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