Batteries Not Included
posted by Evan Jake at 8:27 AM
Apparently I sleep less than the average newborn. A lot less. But I think I make up for this by crying more than the average newborn. So that should even everything out, right?
Since I'm awake so much, mom and dad are always looking for different ways to occupy me. But really I think they just get sick of holding me and are looking to put me down and forget about me. So they keep trying to pawn me off on all these battery-powered devices. Our living room is now a minefield of plastic swings, vibrating chairs and bouncing doo-dads. You'd think that dad invested my college fund in Fischer Price and Duracell.
They can pump all the D-cell batteries they want into those baby neglecters. Eventually they'll realize that I will accept no substitute for being held in their arms. If they don't realize it, my constant and frantic wailing will surely get the point across. I'll even waggle and flail my arms around for added affect. I'm not afraid pull out my secret weapon, either: the quivering bottom lip. I give that lower jaw a little shake and it's pretty irresistable.
Don't get me wrong. These gadgets look very cool. And I know mom and dad must love the way the multi-colored molded plastic brightens up the living room. But if given the choice of being predictably bounced back and forth in a mechanical chair or carried on dad's shoulder around the house, which do you think I'll choose? A couple of times, I've even suckered dad into putting me in my car seat and swinging me around the room. What an amazing ride. Now I'll never want to go back to that automatic swing ever again!
Let's not forget about the musical entertainment either. All these chairs and swings play those terrible little jingles plinked out on lousy little speakers. It's just awful. Mom can't sing a lick and she has a tin ear. But I'll still opt for her singing me a sweet lullaby over that electronic stuff any day.
But sure enough, mom and dad are really persistent when it comes to putting me down. If the chairs and swings don't work, they'll plop me down on top of the washing machine or the clothes dryer. This is confusing. Are they expecting me to fall asleep or do their laundry? Will I be expected to fluff and fold, too? If I have an aversion to doing wash later in life, they can only blame themselves.
Look, guys. If you want to put me down, you should know what to do by now. If you've ever read my blog, you'd see it's somewhat of a recurring theme. That's right, a car ride! I'll go right to sleep. Because I love car rides!
~:O
Apparently I sleep less than the average newborn. A lot less. But I think I make up for this by crying more than the average newborn. So that should even everything out, right?Since I'm awake so much, mom and dad are always looking for different ways to occupy me. But really I think they just get sick of holding me and are looking to put me down and forget about me. So they keep trying to pawn me off on all these battery-powered devices. Our living room is now a minefield of plastic swings, vibrating chairs and bouncing doo-dads. You'd think that dad invested my college fund in Fischer Price and Duracell.
They can pump all the D-cell batteries they want into those baby neglecters. Eventually they'll realize that I will accept no substitute for being held in their arms. If they don't realize it, my constant and frantic wailing will surely get the point across. I'll even waggle and flail my arms around for added affect. I'm not afraid pull out my secret weapon, either: the quivering bottom lip. I give that lower jaw a little shake and it's pretty irresistable.
Don't get me wrong. These gadgets look very cool. And I know mom and dad must love the way the multi-colored molded plastic brightens up the living room. But if given the choice of being predictably bounced back and forth in a mechanical chair or carried on dad's shoulder around the house, which do you think I'll choose? A couple of times, I've even suckered dad into putting me in my car seat and swinging me around the room. What an amazing ride. Now I'll never want to go back to that automatic swing ever again!
Let's not forget about the musical entertainment either. All these chairs and swings play those terrible little jingles plinked out on lousy little speakers. It's just awful. Mom can't sing a lick and she has a tin ear. But I'll still opt for her singing me a sweet lullaby over that electronic stuff any day.
But sure enough, mom and dad are really persistent when it comes to putting me down. If the chairs and swings don't work, they'll plop me down on top of the washing machine or the clothes dryer. This is confusing. Are they expecting me to fall asleep or do their laundry? Will I be expected to fluff and fold, too? If I have an aversion to doing wash later in life, they can only blame themselves.
Look, guys. If you want to put me down, you should know what to do by now. If you've ever read my blog, you'd see it's somewhat of a recurring theme. That's right, a car ride! I'll go right to sleep. Because I love car rides!
~:O
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