Don't Mess with Me, I'm Crabby

posted by Evan Jake at 10:21 PM

Man, did I have a bad day.

Last night I tossed and turned for hours. I just couldn't seem to get any rest. Maybe it was something mom ate, but I was up every hour and man was I ticked. Plus my diaper leaked, the footies on my PJs got twisted around backwards and my pacifier tasted like dish soap. Could life get any worse? Luckily mom kept getting up and checking on me every time I shrieked for her, but there really wasn't anything she could do to help. Although I did wonder where dad was during all this. Could he really manage to sleep through all my torment?

Being totally sleep-deprived, I was even grouchier this morning. It seemed the sleepier I got, the harder it was to sleep. That ever happen to you? Ugh, I just wanted to cry. And cry I did!

Well, by the afternoon I think mom was totally freaked. She got so worried something was seriously wrong with me that she called the doctor. The doctor agreed to see me right away. I didn't really want to go to the doctor, but I realized what this meant. A car ride. And I love car rides!

So mom picked up the phone and called dad at work. Dad eagerly offered to cut off work and come home in the middle of the afternoon just to take us all to the doctor. No wonder that job doesn't pay him much, if he's always taking half days. How bad his job must be, if he volunteered to leave only to deal with me and my crying!

I was so excited to go on a car ride, I fell asleep just thinking about it. And boy, did I need to sleep! I slept so soundly that I don't even remember getting in the car or going into the doctor's office. (Walking into the medical building, I wonder if dad bumped into any other famous baseball players that he didn't introduce me to.)

Next thing I know, I woke up on a paper sheet with a stranger touching my delicates. Phew, it was just the doctor -- I was afraid it was another one of those mohels! My doctor is a nice lady. But for someone with a medical degree, she still talks to me in that silly voice, just like everyone else.

The doctor asked mom what was wrong with me. Mom explained that I seemed "fussy" and had been crying all day. The doctor said that it's normal for me to cry and it doesn't mean anything is wrong. What does she know? She should come live with us for a day and then tell me there's nothing wrong. Look at these two people I'm stuck with! Rushing me to the doctor over a little crying. These people are totally neurotic! But the doctor said its okay because all new parents are allotted one unnecessary visit. But only one!

The doctor also said that newborn babies cry an average of three-hours a day. Only three hours? Well, no one is going to call me average. So, as of today, I'm implementing a new program. The objective will be to increase my crying to nine hours a day, triple the national average, by the end of the week. I'll show them who's average.

Before the doctor finished her spiel, I drifted peacefully back to sleep (despite mom's desperate pleas to convince the doctor I really was being very fussy an hour ago). Man, did it feel good to finally sleep. I didn't wake up again until we were back home. Yes, the trip to the doctor may have been totally unnecessary. And the doctor indulged mom and dad's neuroses this one time. I just wish I hadn't slept through the car rides.

~:O