Instructions Not Included
posted by Evan Jake at 2:09 PM
After this week's fiasco at the doctor's, mom and dad decided to go out and get a few baby manuals. I think they realized that their parenting ignorance was only contributing to the sky-rocketing health insurance premiums in this country and that spending a few dollars on some books about how to properly take care of me was the socially responsible thing to do. That's right, my first-time parents actually went out and bought a clue!
During my meals, dad has been sitting next to mom and reading to her from these baby instruction books. Personally, I think his time is better used cleaning the house or working overtime to pay for my college. Instead, I have to listen to him read aloud from these books and hear him chuckle every time he comes to a word like "breast" or "nipple."
The first book dad read from was called "Baby Wise." It's all about how I need to eat on a regimented schedule. The process is called PDF, or parent-directed feeding. According to this book, mom should tell me when it's time to eat. That's rich. You try that stuff on me and I'll introduce you to something I call BIR, or baby-inflicted regret. You'll wish you'd never messed with me. You'll wind up crying more than I do!
Another book was called "The Happiest Baby on the Block." Hey, dad, why only the happiest baby on the block? We're not setting a very high standard here, are we? I'm often told I'm the cutest baby in the world! So shouldn't I be the happiest baby in the world, too?
So this book was telling mom and dad to calm me down using these things called the "Five S's." Now, whenever I cry, they try these techniques on me and it usually goes something like this:
Hey, guys, you want to keep me from crying? I'll tell you how to calm me down in one simple step: Take me on a car ride. I love car rides!
The last book dad has been reading from is called "What to Expect the First Year." As the title suggests, this book talks about what it will be like living with me for the coming year. All I can say is, I'm sure glad they didn't read this book 10 months ago.
~:O
It's true that us babies don't come with instructions. They're sold separately.
After this week's fiasco at the doctor's, mom and dad decided to go out and get a few baby manuals. I think they realized that their parenting ignorance was only contributing to the sky-rocketing health insurance premiums in this country and that spending a few dollars on some books about how to properly take care of me was the socially responsible thing to do. That's right, my first-time parents actually went out and bought a clue!
During my meals, dad has been sitting next to mom and reading to her from these baby instruction books. Personally, I think his time is better used cleaning the house or working overtime to pay for my college. Instead, I have to listen to him read aloud from these books and hear him chuckle every time he comes to a word like "breast" or "nipple."
The first book dad read from was called "Baby Wise." It's all about how I need to eat on a regimented schedule. The process is called PDF, or parent-directed feeding. According to this book, mom should tell me when it's time to eat. That's rich. You try that stuff on me and I'll introduce you to something I call BIR, or baby-inflicted regret. You'll wish you'd never messed with me. You'll wind up crying more than I do!
Another book was called "The Happiest Baby on the Block." Hey, dad, why only the happiest baby on the block? We're not setting a very high standard here, are we? I'm often told I'm the cutest baby in the world! So shouldn't I be the happiest baby in the world, too?
So this book was telling mom and dad to calm me down using these things called the "Five S's." Now, whenever I cry, they try these techniques on me and it usually goes something like this:
- Swaddling: I get wrapped up really tight in a blanket, pinning my arms to my side. Naturally, this makes me want to wiggle and scream.
- Stomach: With my arms pinned down, I get flipped on my stomach. Of course, I still have little control over my giant head and I usually wind up bumping my nose on something, causing me to scream even louder.
- Swaying: This just makes me nauseated. As if I don't spit up enough on my own.
- Shushing: Wrapped up, on my stomach, nose bruised and ready to barf, now I get these really annoying shushing sounds made directly into my ear! Since I can't shush them back yet, I have to resort to screaming even louder.
- Sucking: The "icing on the cake," I then get a pacifier crammed in my mouth. Yes, my mouth is open because I'm screaming! That's not an invitation to jam a rubber thing in there. It only makes me gag!
Hey, guys, you want to keep me from crying? I'll tell you how to calm me down in one simple step: Take me on a car ride. I love car rides!
The last book dad has been reading from is called "What to Expect the First Year." As the title suggests, this book talks about what it will be like living with me for the coming year. All I can say is, I'm sure glad they didn't read this book 10 months ago.
~:O
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